Funny Jokes

Posted by Fred Willis on Friday, September 02, 2022 2:37:00 PM

• What did the snail who was riding on the turtle's back say? Wheeeee!
• I was going to tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
• What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.
• I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.
• Why do we tell actors to "break a leg?" Because every play has a cast.
• What does a pig put on dry skin? Oinkment.
• What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown.
• My uncle named his dogs Timex and Rolex. They're his watch dogs.
• Did you hear about the guy whose left side was cut off? He's all right now.
• How do you open a banana? With a mon-key.
• Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch cold.
• What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner's on me.
• Why do oranges wear sunscreen? So they don't peel.
• My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.
• What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
• Where does Batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.
• What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little horse.
• What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
• What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!
• Why didn't the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.
• What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
• How did the pig get to the hogspital? In a hambulance.
• I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!
• Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? Because he had a great fall.
• What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street? Traffic jam.
• Why did the cow jump over the moon? The farmer had cold hands.
• A termite walks into a bar and says, "So, is the bar tender here?"
• How does an octopus go into battle? Well-armed.
• What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.
• What do you get when you mix a cocker spaniel, a poodle, and a ghost? A cocker-poodle boo.
• How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
• What does a pickle say when he wants to play cards? "Dill me in!"
• How much money does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer.
• Where do young trees go to learn? Elementree school.
• Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.
• How did the student feel when he learned about electricity? Totally shocked.
• What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind? A Maybe.
• Why was six afraid of seven? Because 7-8-9.
• If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
• I tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist.
• What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.
• Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a-salted.
• How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree? By the bark.
• What did the buffalo say when his kid went to college? Bison.
• What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? Close the door, I'm dressing.
• What's the stinkiest planet? Poopiter.
• What did one wall say to the other? I'll meet you at the corner.
• Why don't sharks eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
• A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
• What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey.
• What's black and white and goes round and round? A penguin in the washing machine.
• How do you organize a space party? You planet.
• Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
• Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it.
• Why did the student eat his homework? Because his teacher told him it was a piece of cake.
• What did one hat say to the other? You wait here, I'll go on ahead.
• What do you call a dinosaur that crashes his car? Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.
• I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
• What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? A stick.
• What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk.
• How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.
• Why don’t we see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
• What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One’s pretty heavy and the other’s a little lighter.
• Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.
• I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.
• A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie was everywhere.
• What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers.
• What's the best smelling insect? A deodor-ant.
• What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear.
• Why was the coach yelling at the vending machine? He wanted his quarter back.